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Ackley's Latest Finding: If you are a big enough company, your mistakes become standards.
-- Bob Ackley, Plattsmouth, NE
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 Topic: Feline CuisineThe new items published under this topic are as follows.
Since Sprite has passed to a better place, I have assumed the role of food editor. Unlike Sprite, I do not favor radical eating habits, like hairball diets. I much prefer a balanced lifestyle of three good meals a day with three good snacks. Food is meant to be enjoyed as well as nourish our bodies. A healthy lifestyle includes the enjoyment of food along with active bodies.
 I like my crunchies mixed with a little canned food. I like to sample a few bites of what the humans are eating. I think the occasional dish of ice cream or spoonful of cream cheese never hurt anyone. as long as it is followed up by a good bug-swatting session on the Greens. (For humans, I recommend tennis or racquetball.)
Note: Pepita joined the Follies Staff after an incarceration at the local shelter, where she excelled at head-butting and swishing her long-furred tail. She steps into the food bowl as our resident critic of all things digestible.
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The Feline Staff is saddened to announce the passing of our beloved Virtual Kitty, Sprite. She died sometime Saturday night, June 30, and was found Sunday afternoon in neighbor Valerie's yard by Mr. and Mrs. Furless. Sprite had many medical problems: severe ellegic reactions to almost everything, a persistent and recurring infection in her mouth from the allergies, and a recent diagnosis of slow-moving stomach cancer. However, we firmly believe she died of a broken heart due to the absence of Leo. Without the companionship of her friend and protector, she just let go and passed away. Sprite has been buried next to Leo, with him in death as in life. More later as we contemplate out latest loss.
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As I have been eating more regularly and inducing the vomiting of fewer hairballs, I have been feeling much better. My fur has filled back in. I no longer have those troublesome fainting spells. I can see now that I had gotten a little carried away with being thin and jeopardized my health by trying to starve myself.
 Sprite with her two favorite things.
The Most Reverend Master Leo helped me to understand that I must pay attention to what is within me and not focus so much on my external appearance (Although, I am a very nice-looking little feline.) His Holiness, Master Leo says that the meat of our soul matters more than the meat of our prey. He is so wise and wonderful. I love following him around and being with him wherever he goes. Every word that falls from his lips is poetry to me.
I am Master Leo's favorite disciple. And, even though that newcomer, Pepi, tries to intrude on our time together by following us around, it is really me he favors most highly. After all, why else would he go to the trouble of saving my life if he had not intended for us to be together forever and always.
I draw my strength from him and, of course, several snacks of cheese daily. Master Leo taught me that it was okay to enjoy the pleasures of the flesh, especially cheese.
Note: Sprite is one of original Virtual Cats, rescued from the wild. She has adopted the Furless' refrigerator and now offers her views of all things "food." |
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As I have been studying diet trends of humans, I find that very few diets work with humans. They fail to stick to the diet, gain all the weight back, and more. Whereas a cat can disguise a few extra pounds with their naturally furry coat, humans are not so fortunate.
 A slim fuzzy butt results from a hairball diet.
There is one diet technique humans have copied from felines. The so-called diet gurus call it bulimia. This is when a human will eat whatever they want and then regurgitate it back up. When felines do this, it’s called a hairball.
Hairballs have helped felines keep weight off since before humans began worshiping us as gods. When we feel a hairball forming, we take advantage of the opportunity to eat a very large, high calorie meal. We top the meal off with a nice dessert entrée of grass. Before you know it, all the unwanted calories are deposited on the bedspread of our favorite human, who promptly removes them. (This is also a good way to ensure that the bedspread is washed regularly and kept fresh for afternoon naps.) Food cravings are satisfied and no weight is gained.
The problem with humans adapting this technique, is that hairballs do not naturally form in the human digestion, so, regurgitation is not a natural behavior. Also, humans start using bulimia after every meal, which is far too often. This causes damage to the digestive system and other vital internal organs. While I like looking very thin in my naturally furry coat, it’s just silly and self-destructive to hurt yourself to get there. It just doesn’t make sense to destroy your health this way just to lose weight. Not every creature is supposed to be the delicate beauty that I am.
The obvious solution to the negatives of bulimia is to adopt a healthy diet of chipmunks and squirrels, and develop hairballs naturally. Then, only use regurgitation when you feel a hairball coming on. No fingers in the throat. Just make yourself a nice, healthy grass salad with no dressing. This is the correct way to use the hairball weight-control technique without making yourself sick.
Bon appetite and good hairballs!
Note: Sprite is one of original Virtual Cats, rescued from the wild. She has adopted the Furless' refrigerator and now offers her views of all things "food." |
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Human diet gurus will tell you to watch the amount of carbs you consume and eat more foods with protein. Felines have always known this, but we do fall into some bad eating habits by hanging out with humans. One of my previous food addictions was cheese. I have to admit, I still love the stuff. But, for the sake of my figure, I have had to give it up. In fact, I have cut down on most of the food I consume. Mom Furless insists I have become anorexic and continues to take me to the vet for monthly shots, the purpose of which, I suppose, is to fatten me up..
 Sprite shows her attractive lips."
 The truth is, I have found the secret to achieving permanent weight loss: allergies. By consuming the things that I am most allergic to, I inflame the interior of my month and my desire to eat anything is completely gone. Not only do I stay slim and trim, I have nice, full, pouty lips.
I have never been so happy with my appearance. Frankly, I resent Mom Furless for trying to remove all allergens from my diet and forcing those shots on me — she says they will relieve my allergies, but I remain suspicious. It is my body and the ultra-thin, pouty lip look is very much in fashion.
I highly recommend this type of food program, which I have named the Feline Starvation Diet. It has cured me of my need to eat a balanced diet and given me the waifish, half-starved appearance so many humans are sporting in women’s magazines. I have come to understand that food is highly over-rated as a necessity of life. What is really important is to look very thin in one’s fur and to have a great set of puffy lips.
Note: Sprite is one of original Virtual Cats, rescued from the wild. She has adopted the Furless' refrigerator and now offers her views of all things "food."
Eating well and staying active will keep your feline happy and healthy. Carrying pet insurance can help for those times when the best plans go awry. Stop by our site and compare pet insurance and buy pet insurance online, and keep those cats healthy.
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I didn’t think it could ever happen to a cat like me, but I have lost my appetite. My allergies got so bad this summer, all I could do was scratch and wash until I was raw and half bald.
Mom Furless took me to the vet for an unpleasant series of steriod shots, and forced those nasty-tasting antibiotic pills down my throat. But I have still had a full-blown allergy attack that just made me feel really miserable.
The worst part of losing my appetite is that I just don’t feel like eating anything. Not even cheese!
The vet gets to see me again on Monday to try and give me more shots and more pills. Why must they taste so bad? The pill-makers should at least make them taste like American cheese. I just hope they work very soon. I missed the end of Barbeque Season. I haven’t felt like chasing a single chipmunk. What is there to look forward to?
I am going back to sleep now. It’s the only relief I get, except now I even scratch in my dreams!
Note: Sprite is one of original Virtual Cats, rescued from the wild last year. She has since adopted the Furless' refrigerator and now offers her views of all things "food." |
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The summertime is always a good time for food. The Giant Water Dish is uncovered all the time, allowing for leisurely sips of the flavorful green water (although Mr. Furless still gets upset when the water turns that deep shade of green). There are lots of sticky human kittens to sample. If you distract them long enough, they drop their popsicle or let their ice cream drip.
But the best part is Bar-B-Q. That is when Mom Furless brings out the grill, carries all her meat outside, and grills it where we can all watch. She always makes extra so we can have lots of treats. And the sauce! Mmmmm… There is nothing better than Bar-B-Q sauce.
It’s kind of a downer to have to go back to cat food for the next meal. If I am very nice and I rub her ankles without making her trip, Mom Furless will put a little sauce on the cat food for us. It’s very good.
Since she has put Dad Furless on a vegetarian diet four days a week, there are fewer good treat days around here. As I dictate this, I am watching her get the grill out, so that means it’s Bar-B-Q tonight in Furless Territory!
She's got a new kind of meat planned that I can't wait to try out! I’ve never heard of a species called an eggplant before Ñ it must be some kind of cattle that comes from another continent, like Iowa. Very rare and exotic. Something a cat can really sink her fangs into! I can’t wait.
Note: Sprite is one of original Virtual Cats, rescued from the wild last year. She has since adopted the Furless' refrigerator and now offers her views of all things "food." |
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There should be a law against dieting. No, I'm serious. There should be a law against dieting! Mrs. Furless, while she is doing a good job of controlling her dietary intake and has lost a lot of weight, has put the entire household on a diet!
Mr. Furless and Young Furless complain about the shortage of junk food in the house, and if there is junk food, such as candy, ice cream, and cookies, it is devoured in less than forty-eight hours.
But what I'm concerned about is the fact there are fewer treats at lunch time. Because of Mrs. Furless' diet, the meals are smaller, and that means less treats. I try acting very, very nicely, and wait my turn, but I still get only one bite. On rare occasions, I may get to eat two treats in total.
What's worse than fewer treats, however, is the fact that Mrs. Furless is rationing our crunchy allowance. She claims that some of us are a tad overweight and is feeding us less. Leo is complaining bitterly about the absence of teriyaki sauce in his dinner. Serge is protesting the decrease in dinner rations by refusing Mrs. Furless's advances and affection.
But the worst part of it all, is — GASP — LOW FAT CHEESE! That is not right! Mrs. Furless insists on buying low fat cheese! Do you know how icky low fat cheese tastes? Cheese isn't supposed to be low-fat, it's supposed to be pure and delicious and pleasing to eat. But no, Mrs. Furless disgraces the great, holy name of cheese by buying low-fat cheese. I am protesting by refusing to let her pet me.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to mourn the loss of my cheese.
Note: Sprite is one of original Virtual Cats, rescued from the wild last year. She has since adopted the Furless' refrigerator and now offers her views of all things "food."
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Halloween was last week. This is a holiday that involves weird clothing and food, but not for cats.
Little humans dress up to look really strange and come to the front door demanding candy. This was OK with me because cats don't eat candy. Now, if Mom Furless had been handing out tuna, I might have raised a claw. But, it was all candy. And nobody expected any of us to wear a costume.
Personally, I don't see what humans see in the stuff, but the little ones love it. They were carrying around big bags to collect gigantic quantities of the sweet stuff. Now, I admit the candy wrappers can be entertaining, but not what's inside.
Dad and Young Furless love candy as much as the kids. They were really happy to have so much left over. Since Mom went on her diet, she doesn't buy candy any more. Both Dad and the kid have really suffered.
I'm just glad that tuna is allowed on Mom's diet. We still get lots of that, and she splits a can with us cats just about every day at lunch. And nobody expects me to wear a dog suit or anything to get a bite.
Note: Sprite is one of original Virtual Cats, rescued from the wild last year. She has since adopted the Furless' refrigerator and now offers her views of all things "food." |
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Hunting season is upon us and some of my brothers are busy storing chipmunks in the Executive Dining Room (i.e.: laundry room) for the winter. Mistoffolese, Ginger and Serge are the biggest and best hunters. Mistoffolese is able to catch two or three a day and easily fulfills his quota.
Mrs. Furless does not like chipmunks stored in her room. She prefers that they stay outside until we are ready to eat. What she doesn't seem to understand is that it is really hard to catch a chipmunk in the winter. We have to catch them now, otherwise, we will have to go several months without fresh chipmunk meat. If we wait until the spring, they are so skinny they really have no flavor. Right now, they are their most flavorful ó plump, and nice and juicy, perfect for harvesting.
 My job is to stand by the laundry room door and distract Mr. and Mrs. Furless from trying to catch the chipmunks to put them back outside. It's really hard because I have to be my cutest and friendliest, and sometimes that just doesn't work.
Well, we've managed to stash away several 'monks the Furless' don't know anything about under the washer and dryer. We staff members will just have to keep the Furless' from looking around too closely when they wash their clothes in our dining room. But, it's worth all the trouble for a good fillet of chipmunk during the long winter months.
Note: Sprite is one of original Virtual Cats, rescued from the wild last year. She has since adopted the Furless' refrigerator and now offers her views of all things "food." |
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Last month I explained Leo's Dumpster Diet for all you health enthusiasts. This month, I am offering Part Two of my series: a discussion of the fitness portion of the Dumpster Diet.
 Humans commonly interpret fitness as meaning lots of hot, sweaty exercise. Leo states this is completely wrong. Fitness simply means to avoid having fits over weight gain. He suggests you accomplish this by avoiding looking at your reflection. Whenever you start to notice your belly getting larger, distract yourself by eating something.
To correctly maintain your fitness, Leo suggests at least 18 to 20 hours a day of napping, followed by short walks to the kitchen to demand more treats.
The most important thing a cat or human can do is provide companionship, and it is far easier to be good company on a full stomach. I agree, and would like to add, "pass the cheese, please."
Note: Sprite is one of original Virtual Cats, rescued from the wild last year. She has since adopted the Furless' refrigerator and now offers her views of all things "food." |
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Most humans worry about being fat, especially Mr. and Mrs. Furless. They have been doing something called a diet, which is designed to help them be thin. So far, it isn't working, so I did some asking around.
It turns out that Leo is a diet expert from his days of living in a dumpster. He looks pretty fit to me, so he must know what he is talking about. His choices of meals have always seemed a little odd to me, but if it helps Mom and Dad Furless, I'm all for it.
So here it is:
Leo's Dumpster Diet:- Breakfast: One bowl of cat food with teriyaki sauce.
- Snack: Alphabet cereal and any powdered donuts the kid across the street brings him.
- Lunch: Corn chips or French Fries with a jelly sandwich.
- Snack: The sticky residue off of a very small human.
- Dinner: Corn on the cob, watermelon and any meat with teriyaki sauce.
- Snack: More cat food, with barbecue sauce this time.
- Another Snack: Chocolate ice cream.
- Another Snack: Anything Young Furless is eating.
- Another Snack: Anything carelessly thrown in the trash.
If Mom and Dad take Leo's advice, not only will they be thin and fit in no time, they will have the added benefit of a nice shiny fur coat.
Next month: Leo's Dumpster Diet Fitness Plan.
Note: Sprite is one of original Virtual Cats, rescued from the wild last year. She has since adopted the Furless' refrigerator and now offers her views of all things "food." |
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Most humans think cats just eat cat food or fish scraps, but that's not true. Each of the feline staffers resident in this house prefer different kinds of food. For example, Leo does not like cat food much at all. He'll only eat if Young Furless stands with him and praises him for eating. (Weird, huh?!) But, give him corn chips, powdered donuts, or Chinese take-out, and he needs no encouragement at all! He just dives in and tucks it away! Too bad for Leo, though, as he doesn't get his favorites very often. I don't see how he eats that stuff. Yuck!
Cosmos is strictly a milk-and-cat-food kind of kitty. She is very careful about her diet because she is Royalty. She doesn't want to be a chubby princess. The only treat she allows herself is the classic kitty treat, the occasional saucer of milk.
Ginger prefers fast food, and will eat anything that puts up a spirited chase. He especially likes fresh chipmunk. The faster, the tastier.
Serge will eat anything you put in front of him. He's not fussy at all. Any kind of cat food, human food or fast food disappears down that big fuzzy gullet.
Mistoffolese is a sushi cat, but prefers to catch and fillet his own rather than be served. His favorite wildlife sushi is a salamander or newt. He always catches extra to share with Mr. Furless, who likes human sushi (fish Ñ yum!), but not salamander. Young Furless was reading the newspaper to me about that Eric Rudolph bomber-guy eating salamander. I guess only bad humans like cat sushi.
 My favorite is cheese. Cheese is the food of the gods, I'm sure. I eat cat food, of course. I don't want to be rude and hurt Mom and Dad's feelings after they serve us up a nice dish. But, I live for cheese bites. Mom keeps a special Mexican blend, nicely-shredded, just for me. I try very hard to be a good kitty so I can get as many treats as possible.
We all try to get as many of our favorite treats as we can, but not all of us try to be good kitties to earn them Ñ especially Serge, who feels treats are his right, the more the righter.
Note: Sprite is one of original Virtual Cats, rescued from the wild last year. She has since adopted the Furless' refrigerator and now offers her views of all things "food." |
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Leo was born and raised in a dumpster like me. Humans come by and donate food to the dumpster. The adult cats get first dibs on the best donations. Dumpster kitties like Leo then get to eat whatever was left over. So Leo developed some pretty strange tastes in kitty cuisine.
When we came to live with the Furless Family we were fed a special food made just for cats. Dad Furless usually feeds us, and he mixes some canned food with dry food for a very tasty meal. I really like the cat food, and so do the rest of the guys. But Leo has had trouble making the switch from dumpster chow to cat food. He still prefers things like corn chips, breakfast cereal and, especially, Chinese Food.
Mom Furless always makes a little extra of whatever meat she is fixing for the Furless Family to eat. She gives it to us as good-kitty treats. Everyone loves the good-kitty treats, except Leo. He thinks they are too bland without a little hot soy sauce.
Mom Furless got worried about Leo not eating enough. She actually worries about things like that. As if a cat would deliberately starve himself. Anyway, she started bringing home cat food samples for Leo. He didn't like any of them until she brought home this one kind that was $6 per pound. Leo loved it!
Dad Furless didn't like that. He thought $6 a pound was too much to spend. Our regular brand is about $1 a pound. So he threw a hissy fit about Leo being fed better that anyone else, especially him. I understand how he feels. Mom Furless got her feelings hurt and fed him a bowl of Leo's cat food for lunch. Dad didn't think that was funny.
But it all turned out okay. Leo just stopped eating for a few days, and then he decided the regular cat food was just fine. Mrs. Furless found it very hard not to feed him special food, but she stood strong. Dad Furless felt bad about his hissy fit and went out to get Chinese food for everyone. I don't understand why Leo likes it so much. It's really kind of spicy and gives me terrible gas. Go figure...
Note: Sprite is one of original Virtual Cats, rescued from the wild last year. She has since adopted the Furless' refrigerator and now offers her views of all things "food." |
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I get to decide on the Feline Follies Golden Meow Award for Food. At first I thought I would award it to my favorite food, cheese. Cheese really deserves an award, because it tastes sooo good. But, Cosmos said the award has to go to a human or fur person.
 This year's Golden Meow Award for Food goes to the pizza delivery guy who brings a large cheese pizza with extra cheese to Young Furless every Friday. It's really nice of him to give us a whole pizza because he doesn't even live here, and has never even taken a bite out of any of the pizzas! Every Friday at lunchtime, he knocks at the front door, and hands Mom Furless a pizza. Just like that!
Well, this seems really nice to me, especially the extra cheese part. Sometimes he even bring a second pizza with sausage. That's the nicest thing I've ever heard of. He never forgets. So he gets the food award. I hope he continues to bring pizza forever!
Note: Sprite is one of original Virtual Cats, rescued from the wild last year. She has since adopted the Furless' refrigerator and now offers her views of all things "food." |
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Leo may actually be a better big brother than Serge! He doesn't bite as hard, and he doesn't use claws. Instead, he licks you and purrs. He also lets me chase him! Serge never does that. And, he also doesn't whap me as hard as Serge does. Leo is more gentle than Serge and plays fair. I like that.
The coolest thing he does is share his treats. At first he didn't understand that I always get the first dish because I am the smallest feline. But now, he makes sure I not only get the first dish, but the first treats, too. How cool is that?
But, Leo also has his flaws. He wears out too easily during a play session. Or Young Furless walks by and he follows her, meowing and asking for a snuggle. He often gets bored and wanders off. And, he doesn't play with me as often as Serge. I wish he'd play with me more, but then, Mr. Furless says I am a die-hard! He doesn't wash me as much as Serge does either. In short, Leo's a good big brother, but he needs a little work.
Now I kinda feel bad about all the times I hissed, spit and fuzzed out when he walked in the room. Perhaps I should not have been so fast to judge the new staffer.
Note: Sprite is one of original Virtual Cats, rescued from the wild last year. She has since adopted the Furless' refrigerator and now offers her views of all things "food." |
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The new cat doesn't really bother me. I just hide behind the furniture when he walks by. But what I am upset about is breakfast.
 We get canned food mixed with dry crunchies in the morning, and it's pretty tasty. With Leo around, I think I get a smaller serving because he is the biggest and I am the smallest. I noticed the cat food can is the same size.
I get fewer treats, too. Yesterday, I only got two chicken bites and one salmon bite. I also was the second cat fed treats — I am supposed to be the first. Everyone knows that I'm first. Leo doesn't seem to care.
He also plays with my fuzzy mice and he doesn't even ask if he can. They are my mice. He should ask first, rather than just swipe at the handiest fuzzy mouse laying around.
I know he has been living in a dumpster and I remember what that was like. I guess I am glad he has a good home. I just hope that doesn't mean I get less. I'll have to keep an eye on the situation and assert myself to make sure I get my fair share.
This is very disturbing.
Note: Sprite is one of original Virtual Cats, rescued from the wild last year. She has since adopted the Furless' refrigerator and now offers her views of all things "food." |
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I was hanging around the Furless lunch table, doing the best I could to persuade them to drop treats. That wasn't a huge success. My predecessor, Fuzzy, had the "tripping technique" down cold. Maybe I should try that!
Anyway, I overheard Young Furless talking about the Easter Island Stone Heads. Young Furless explained that the early people of the island may have used giant logs to move those huge stone heads around. Using pretzel sticks and the last bite of her sandwich (which she eventually shared with me), Young Furless demonstrated how it worked.
 So I guess the early Furlesses used giant pretzels! Maybe the pretzels were really, really, stale and stiff and hard, so they could move those giant heads. Cool! But one question still remains: Were the Stone Heads made of really, really, really stale bread?
Comment from Cosmos: It was Young Furless who informed us of our royal heritage, explaining about the ancient Egyptians worshipping cats as gods (instead of the inferior canine species). She is such a brilliant human.
Comment from Young Furless: Uh, actually, Cosmos, the ancient Egyptians also worshipped dogs under the influence of the God of Embalming, Anubis.
Note to Readers: Translating Sprite's frantic meows was not an easy task! It's a wonder how Mom translates and types all the other cat's meows!
Note: Sprite is one of original Virtual Cats, rescued from the wild last year. She has since adopted the Furless' refrigerator and now offers her views of all things "food." |
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Sprite's Dream Dinner.